Fresh Headies (Bubble Bags) - July 2006

[Unicorn]

Fresh Headies – Bubble Bags

Read the contest rules:
http://www.treatingyourself.com/vbul...ement.php?f=45

Thanks to our sponsor at http://www.freshheadies.com we are able to give away a 7 bag – 1 Gallon set of Bubble bags every three months.
That’s four chances a year.

Make me laugh…Let’s hear your favourite joke…please keep them clean.

Contest runs from July 1st – October 31st, 2006
Winner will be announced by November 3rd, 2006

[Jefferson]

I have read the rules:

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of smoking marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, "Used regularly," he explained, "pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"

"Yes young man, it's sadly true," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"

[Hollywood]

"I have read the rules" -Hollywood
Sure hope pictures are eligible!!

http://www.picturecorral.com/340252666/marijuanaBillBoard.jpg

[ShroomDr]

I have read the rules

U know... panties aren't the greatest thing in the world, but there right next to it.:D

[rangergord]

I have read the rules.

Do you know why I don't like panties? My balls keep falling out the sides!

[Crazy_Eagle]

Have to trow in a lawyer joke:p

Ok A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute and yelled to the passengers that they had better jump and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.:eek:
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack." :D

[PharmaPharmer]

I have read the rules.


If you are swimming in the nude and you are fat is it still called skinny dipping?

[Elysium]

I couldn't go past this classic for my favorite joke. It originated with Spike Milligan:

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

I have read the rules

[freetheweed]

:) i love this pic don't know if pics are accepted but its my favorite:D

[JethroMull]

i have read the rules
THree italian nuns die and go up to heaven. At the gates tehy are met by St Peter who says "sisters, you led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back and be anyone you wish".
The first nun says "I would like to be Sophia Loren" and instantly she dissapeared.
The second nun says "I want ot be Madonna" and she too vanishes.
The third says "St Peter, I would like to be Sara Pipalini" St Peter looks at her with a blank expression. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini", replies the nun. St Peter shakes his head and says " Im sorry, but that name just doesnt ring a bell"
The nun takes a newspaper clipping out of her habit and hands it to St Peter who reads it and immediately starts laughing.
"No sister, it was the Sahara pipeline that was laid by 1400 men in six months."

[smokinbasser]

I have read the rules. What do you call the brunette standing between two blondes?????????









an interpreter. No blondes were harmed during this joke.

[anonymous]

Dear Dr.
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. For example, when someone tries to defend the homosexual life style, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. However, I do need some advice from you regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.
1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24.The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God f I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Anonymous

I have read the rule.....
I dont know if this one counts due to a few issues but I think its pretty funny

[bandit13]

I have read the rules . :)

TOP 20 Reasons Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:

1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have great chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!

[hashimoto]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meterorlogically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, have you been smoking that stuff again, someone has stolen our tent, you idiot!"

I have read the rules.

[E.J]

That is an old joke around the reservation,And it is said much simple,An elder was asked about good and evil and he said it is like 2 dogs inside of us all-one is good the other is mean and they fight constantly,when asked which one wins or is stronger he replied the one i feed the most.It is a treatment joke meant to help people understand our inner selves,like if you practice good thoughts and actions you will prevail against the other negative influences in our lives .I just wanted to explain your joke i hope i did not ruin it?But i hope it helps everyone understand your intended idea,And does it really matter what tribe this elder was from??peace sincerly E.J:cool:

[Pothead Pete]

my joke is: I DON"T HAVE anything other than my 2 bag ,3 year old crappy Ice-O-Lator bag bargain basement set!!!he he.....:o :o :o

[Mamahawk6]

I have read the rules!

This ? goes to the men!

Hey fella what's the difference between a Big Mac and a BJ?






Wanna go to lunch!
Stay Groovy

[GriM]

i have read the rules .....

Pirate at a Bar

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,

"How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded,

"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,

"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-lubber asked,

"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?

The pirate answered,

"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

The land-lubber asked,

"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped,

"It was the day after I got me hook ...arrgggg!" ;):D

[LadyTokin]

I have read the rules.


True Story

This joke was told and the conversation after was between my two daughters :D

Joke: If a blonde and a brunette jumped off the building at the same time, which one would hit first?

Answer: The brunette would hit first because the blonde would have to stop and ask directions.

Conversation between daughters: "Ha, ha Amy, you would hit before I would" <~~~true blonde statement :lol:

[BigDaddyc9]

I have read the rules-Why was the blonde intently staring at a can of frozen orange juice? It said concentrate! BigD

[GrassMaster]

I have read the contest rules

Okay so if young men wear Boxer shorts, and middle aged men wear tighty whites, then what do senior citizens wear?
Depends


Peace

[MedGurl]

I have read the rules....

What's the difference between a toker and a politician?
Politicians don't inhale; they just suck. :rolleyes:

[Capt. Zigzag]

I have read the rules.

Why'd the blonde get stuck in the shower?

She read the directions on the shampoo....

-

[WindowsXp]

Why are ****** so tall?

















their knee grows!

This entry is disqualifed due to not complying with the rules....Unicorn

[Capt. Zigzag]

Any chance we can get this pulled?

-

[FUNK4:20]

i have read the rules.

How does a redhead change a light bulb? She doesn't, she bitches until someone else does.

Remember, what do you call a Redhead with an attitude? Normal

i love redheads:)lol

[corinado]

I have read the rules.

How do you stop an army of potheads on horseback?

Answer: Turn off the merry-go-round.

:)

[Nardwarz]

I have read the rules

Rodney Dangerfield - I don't like cocaine...I just like the smell of it.

[JLine]

I have read the rules

A guy who has been married for 20 years, suddenly finds himself having to
go to the market to shop as his wife is ill. Well, this is the first time
he's been there in all that time and is unprepared for the prices being
charged for many items. He is quite fond of nuts but can't find any, so
he seeks out the manager. He sees a man with a HUGE nose helping out a
lady shopper (who is laughing uncontrollably) and asks him "Do you
have any peanuts?"
The manager replies "yes sir, they're $5.99 a pound"
"Oh" says the man, "How about cashews?"
"Yes, they're $7.99 a pound"
"I see. How about walnuts?"
"Oh sure, They're $8.99 a pound"
"Well they're all too expensive for me, but thanks anyway" says the man.
The manager replies "No problem and I'd like to thank you for not
laughing at me. You may have noticed that I have a rather large nose
and people seem to make fun of that all the time."
"Oh" the shopper says, "That's your nose? I thought it was your johnson,
your nuts are so high!"

[pindulinka]

Two cops are walking the beat at night and one of them finds a severed head. The other cop lifts it up to get a better look in the flashlight.
"hey that looks like the sarge" says one of them.
"nah, he was never that tall.."

I have read the rules

[mohawk819]

I have read the rules.

A man apprroached the minister at his church.. Sur I have a problem, my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. Its embarrassing and disrespectful. What can I do? I have an ideal if your up to the task, said the minister." Take this hat pin" I can see when your wife is sleeping, and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a poke in the leg with the hat pin. That Sunday in church when is wife fell asleep the minister noticing this put his plan into action. He said who made the ultimate sacrifice for you motioning to the husband. Jesus! the wife cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg.Correct came the ministers quick reply. Soon the wife nooded off again. The minister noticed "Who is your redeemer?" He asked the congregation, he motioned to the husband. My God howled the wife has she was poked with the pin. Right again yelled back the minister. The wife fell asleep again this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that the husband mistook as signals and just at the same time the minister said " and what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son" The wife jumped up and shouted, "you stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine"!!"
Amen replied all the women in the congregation.

[Johnnypotsmoker]

DEFINITELY

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

[coco_artist]

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.

He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.

The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"

[nancerella]

A man with a severe speech impediment walked into a sweets shop to pick up some nuts for his girlfriend.
The clerk, who had an enormous nose, approached him and asked how he could help.
How much are your peanuts the man asked in his nasally voice.
$3.19 a lb. announced the big nosed clerk.
That's a little too much, answered the man. How much are your Brazil nuts?
$4.10 a lb.
Oh, and how much are cashews?
$5.09 a lb.
Wow said the man, I guess I can't afford to buy ANY nuts today but I would like to thank you for not making fun of my speech impediment.
You're welcome said the clerk and thank YOU for not making fun of my nose.
NOSE gasped the customer.
I thought it was your peter, your nuts are so high!

I have read the rules

[Merlin]

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

I have read the rules

[soulmate]

I have read the rules.

365 Times

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[Mamahawk6]

What's the difference between a Big Mac and a BJ?













Wanna go to Lunch!
I have read the rules
Stay Groovy!

[Apothecary Angel]

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

[DDTPW]

I have read the rules.

There's two potato's standing on a corner, how do you know which one is a prostitute?

The one that says "Idaho"

[TNTMED]

I have read the rules


State of Arkansas Residency Application

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know



TNT

[Happyplant]

I have read the rules.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps, my friend is dead, what can I do? The Operator says calm down, I can help. First let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence,then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says now what?:eek:


HP