Clear Head C
09-25-2005, 04:10 PM
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low Bridge Ahead'. "Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped this ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be
FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," She began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal ..."We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the united agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!"
Without flinching she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to get in line for that, too.
Snappy Answer #6
THE TEACHER (Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR)
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised this hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its BEST to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
=======================================
Female Prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
*************************************************
Male Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
Amen
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock
boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low Bridge Ahead'. "Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped this ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be
FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," She began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal ..."We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the united agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!"
Without flinching she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to get in line for that, too.
Snappy Answer #6
THE TEACHER (Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR)
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised this hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its BEST to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
=======================================
Female Prayer:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
*************************************************
Male Prayer:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
Amen