death man typing

[titoknk]

Im speechless guys, I havent posted here in a while not cause I forgot about my thread its just that my condition have gotten worse in the last weeks. Couldnt not be able to access the internet cause I was hospitalized again. My bone marrow went to travel again, I arrived at the hospital almost death with a count of 800,000 white blood cells and 22,000 platelets my HMG was 2.3, I had cardiac fails and had liquid infiltration on my left lung. Received 6 pints of blood tranfussion that day on intensive care, then a painfull drain for the liquid infiltration, beleive me it was like hell, Then the oncologists made a puntion of marrow samples and a couple of other tests spinal cord liquid and a CT scan of my brain, and lymph nodes. With all the faith i had that i was gonna be okay happens now that my brain is full of cancer, my spinal cord is also affected and so is my CNS, after all the chemotherapy I Have received i tho i was gonna recover of this disease. Im a terminal cancer patient now. Even tho I could start again another intensive chemo and radiotherapy to try to make live some more time i decided to give up. I lost the faith guys, Karla is very depressed and thats making me feel bad. Im so sad depress and in constant pain right now that im crying while i type this post, My heads hurting alot i feel like someone is knockin me with a baseball bat, I cant get out of bed and cant eat I have severe anemia and everything I eat i puke it right away so im not eating just taking ensure and sometimes i puke it too even taking zofran and phenergan IV. I feel so tired and its so fustrating to know that i have no other option than let myself to DIE that every minute im thinking in suicide, I dunno if i can handle what is destined for me, i think ill hang myself soon, life is so unfair guys, when i got back from the hospital I signed those legal papers that ill take resposability of everything and told the group of hematologist that ill take care of myself. I know they understand, I have no option and im not going to try chemo again. When i came home i found out my plants where all death, all my females died even the mango x c99 outdoor i had was death. My only source of meds, they where flowering pretty good after i had to left them. I have nothing to cope my pain just fucking pills, percosets and oxycontin. What i have done to deserve this? i ask myself that question every minute. My soul its broken ppl. Michelle thanks for your support and I wish ya the best much health and Jerry ill never forget your kindness you both will always be on my heart. Hope your treatment work out for you Jerry, To the rest of the community take care all and thanks for everything keep united and strong and fight for the ideals of MMJ. be well and stay always safe. with nothing else to say GOODBYE ALL... :(
albert

[titoknk]

this was supossed to be posted on the living with medical marijuana forum the thread i started there some months ago if some mod can move it there would be great sorry for my mistake.

[slater]

tito, sorry to hear this bro. see ya on the other side. i will be the one with the purple jerry shirt w/white new balance shoes. may you find relief and happiness before your transition and after. love man, slater

[micah]

sorry to hear this bad news you have received tito..you and your wife are in my prayers...micah

[BigDaddyc9]

Sorry to hear Tito-never give up.I know its easy for me to say but you do matter.Keep on fightin Tito aka Albert.Prayers and Karma out to you today and everyday.Peace and One Love BigD

[Grasshopper]

Sorry to hear tito, try to give what u can to ur family in the time u have, it will mean the world to them.
U and ur family will be in my thoughts.

Grasshopper

[gen131]

tito i am so sorry. i dont know what to say. i have asked god to heal you, and have placed you in his hands. its not you tito, god loves you and will take care of you for the best as he knows. god will give you peace and comfort, as he reads the heart. god is not punishing you, he loves you. its a wicked world but soon god will make all things new again. ill see you then.

god grant you the peace that passes all understanding.
gen131

[ScurvyPirateGuy]

Man, I'm a good writer but I can't even collect my thoughts after reading your message. So much despair. I felt the same way the day I found out I was HIV+, tho that was 18 years ago now.

I don't know you, but I feel for you man. May you make peace with everything and everyone. Please don't hang yourself, that'll really stress your family a lot more for a lot longer -- damn the people who block death with dignity acts and force possibly terminally ill patients consider such desparate acts.

Peace.

[pflover]

Seeing people reatch the point you are at now, Tito, is one of the sad realities of participating in such a wonderful community as this. I have apreciated your participation at TY will miss you. SPG is right, i really hope you do not hang yourself as this would traumatize your family. i deeply hope you find peace soon.

with love and hugz,

Ally

May passing through the vail find you peace and rest.

So Mote it Be!

Blessed be.

[gelu65]

Hello tito I see you have bad news, work with the docs and the pain meds you are getting to get yourself past this setback. Dont let the stress of this ruin any family life, you really need their support to help you thru this as they are the only ones that can really put their arms around you when you need it. I started my radiation and chemo today, my radiation took about 7 minutes and chemo took 3 hours but everything went good, the chemo I am on has platinum in it so it is rough on the kidneys. I had a little bit of a problem with nausea but but it passed by the time I was done. I will try to send a 3 day priority for you when I can get away from the house, maybe tomorrow afternoon. PM me --Jerry

[hollowpoint]

Hi Tito: sometimes we fight so hard that our system is taxed beyound recovery, and when we accept what is happening, we relax, giving our own immune system a chance to fight back. acceptance will not only help you with this time, but will help all those around you as well.
There's certainly nothing fair about living and I hope you can take this time to slow down and turn it over to whomever you hold trust with, be it god or whatever, they have bigger shoulders than we do. Others are right as well, suicide hurts those left behind, they might think you considered them to weak to assist you with this time and it will stay with them long after. talk it out with your family, there's no such thing as a bad request or bad question to ask.
you will go through stages with this new knowledge. 1st of course is shock, which is probably where you are now, and not thinking clearly. 2nd comes anger, why me, making deals with above or below , depending on who you served most in the past(sorry but had to add a little humor for you). 3rd comes the grieving, the struggle to accept. and finally acceptance. this applies to any upset in your life and we all do it. some stages take longer than others. once you know the steps, you Can progress quickly and hopefully you and your's will find peace soon by working through this.
perhaps you could PM some folks your addy and see what happens?
I wish you a peaceful time in the days ahead tito, and may god look over you and your family and protect all of you, and welcome you into his home when you're old and grey.
take care and be in peace

[GreenFlame]

I've read this post several times,,I cried,,I cried when CoCo said "later".I haven't known what to say out of hurt and out of respect towards Tito.I have read alot of Ancient Texts,,they all say that the act of Suicide places you in a holding space that you are locked into and cannot interact with others.We are all connected Spiritually and all the Ancient Texts basically say the same things.(Read www.sacredtext.com for a brief summary).They say that we are the aliens here on Earth,,nothing looks like us,,we didn't evolve here but were placed here.Scientist now know that there is indeed a GOD.There is a large Intellegent Design and you are a part of it.Your Conscienceness wont stop but transcend physical tangibility.I thank GOD for my time being aware and being a Human.As Hollowpoint said "Life isn't fair".I have seen and there still are children at the Childrens Hospital,some 6 months old, some younger, some older, suffering from various life threatening conditions.We have a boy here locally who is 7 years old and Terminal with Cancer.He plays with my son,they're best friends.We have to some degree prepared our son for his possible loss.Life aint fair but Thank GOD you got to love and touch and so on.Please don't harm your self Tito,I really don't know what else to say... that I'm glad to have touched Spirits with you and really enjoyed your posts and just want to say that I Love You and want your time to be as special and painfree as can be expected.I will put you on a prayer List.

[JohnBudd]

Death is difficult to deal with. I consider each day I wake up a gift, be it sick as hell with a huge fever, or fishing with my friends.
Dying is the easy part, as a father and husband it is my job to ensure my family will be alright. Both mentally and spiritually. Tears will flow, anger will happen. But a strong family unit can work through ANYTHING!
As I approach 50, a few of my older comrade friends are passed. I am starting to get more comfortable with my life/death.
I was born into a great house, laughter, running, fun. I will leave this earth the same way.
Focus on what you can control IMO, get your affairs in order. Tell folks you love them. Kiss and hug anyone who has ever been close. Celebrate your life!
Sorry if this is glum, but life is short, you must grab all you can, when you can!
I wish you a peace my friend.

[Unicorn]

Tito...my love and prayers go out to you and yours...take each day one at a time and live each day to the fullest you can. So I will not say goodbye, but until we meet again be it on earth or elsewhere....Be well my friend...Healing Hugs Uni ;)

[Leo]

Tito,you leave me with no words.............My prayers go out for you and your family.....


Peace,
Leo

[gen131]

hey, tito, give us a buzz, if you are up to it. we all want to hear from you.

[titoknk]

Hi all Im still here, with tons of pain, heartbroken angry and sad, I went to the cancer shrink today, discussed my situation and he prescribed me some meds (zyprexa 15MG, Xanax 2 MG/3 daily and levapro) after thinking hard and reading all this post i regret to commit suicide and i feel bad for posting those negative thoughs. Also I cant lie to you guys, They still hittin my mind sometimes, But im constantly praying. asking God to make them dissapiar. I have fear. Dealing with this is rough and whats really bothering me is whats gonna happen to my family when im gone. Karla arrived last night with a priest we talked alot. I make my confession and im gonna start to prepare myself spiritually to face the rest of the days or months i have left on earth. Only God know. This is hard guys I hope you all understand me. Living with this uncertainty, knowing that someday my heart and lungs will stop working its not easy for anyone. but like howllowpoint says, i have to accept the will of god, Im in constant pain and wish this end soon. Hope God have mercy on me and dont let me suffer anymore. I love my family and dont want them to suffer cause of this. Like pflover said suicide will only make the scenario worse. That wont happen... I can hardly type, only can use one hand and this took me about an hour, I have to be mostly on bed, morphine is making me crazy. Cant eat, have lost several pounds in the last days and been puking alot. I have tremors and alot of abdominal and osteoarticular pain, and constant severe headaches. Sorry i posted those negative thoughs guys. Im really desperate. Tomorrow is another day hope i can find some peace. Thanks all for caring this is a great community with lovely people. Take care all. Please PRAY for me.

[gen131]

many prayers going up for you and your family tito. death is an enemy that will be conquered. hold on to your faith in god. peace will come and an end to suffering.

lots of shit going down right now in the world. ty family can help you thru this. most of us know about pain and suffering and you are not alone, tito. we will be here for you. god bless you.
gen131

[BigDaddyc9]

We are here for you Tito-love and prayers going out to you today and everyday.Hang in there-Peace and One Love BigD

[coco_artist]

Haven't heard from you in awhile Tito and I am thinking of you and praying for you. Having been told I had my Cancer return and then told it hadn't, really screwed with my mind, and I can honestly say I have some idea of what you are going through...though not at all the full force of it.
Please, if you can, get a book called 'THE GRACE IN DYING' by Kathleen Dowling-Singh..it will be a great resource for your family and friends to support you during this time. They will find the book very helpful and so will you if they choose to read parts of it to you.
Tito, I know how alone you must feel.
I also know that this journey that you are on will be faced by each and every one of us someday.
Please check in if you can or get a family member to check in, because I wonder and worry about you.
Thanks
Love
Michelle

[chief tatanka]

TITO
que dios te vendiga amigo+may god bless and inbrace you in his loving arms,and may he give peace to your family,know that god will soon heal you of all that has happend to you here on earth and he will see after your family,we here at TY will also look after them not only in prayer but with comfort and help when ever they need us.do not be afraid when god calls you home for he will be there with open arms and his loving tears will wash away you pain and illness,i believe god allows us to get these illnesses to test our loving faith in him,tho we may stray from his path along the road of life,he never leaves are side he may let us believe he has abanden us but he never has,there were two foot prints in my walk of life but when i was down there was only one set of prints and i asked god why did you leave me when i was down the most and god answerd in the beginning we walked side by side ,but when you saw only one set of foot prints you were not alone that is when i carried you thrue you toughest times,i never have and never will leave you...i pray that god will give you peace my brother and he will always walk with your family thrue life.may god bless you and keep you in his loveing heart.......chief tatanka

[Lucy]

Dear Tito, I hope for you...peace in your acceptance...and may your suffering lessen each moment!

[Olde Hippee]

Hello Tito, I feel so bad about your diagnosis. However we serve a good God who will hold you in the palm of his hand and make your passing to be in His presence 24/7 a special time. Can you imagine dancing with David before the throne of God, and seeing the Great Winged Creatures who surround it, and the Hallelujas that rise from all as a sweet song of praise to the creator of the universe? I pray for you and your family that this special time will be covered in God's love and peace which passes all understanding.
Olde Hippee

[gen131]

a men a men amen.

[titoknk]

Hello

My brother titoknk died last Saturday, Nov 12 ,2005 due to complications of pulmony and a fungus infection in his lungs. As u know he had leukemia. He was since Oct 27 in hospital and got in Intensive cate since Oct 31-Nov 12 , 2005. We saw him die.Please pray for his soul. Im speechless, we feel devastated with his loss. I miss him so much. I just want to let u all . He would want it .

His sister,

Jesy

[chief tatanka]

i am so sorry for your loss, may God cradle him in his loveing arms and welcome him back home to Heaven.i will say a prayer for his soul and also that God comfort all of you. you are all still TY family. Chief Tatanka :(

[pflover]

Thanx for letting us know, Jesy. he will be missed. i am sorry for your loss but happy he nolonger suffers.

Blessed be his soul.

So moat it be.

Ally

[GreenFlame]

That he no longer suffers is the most important part.I absolutely hate to get close to people for the selfish reason that their lose will hurt me.I've watched several loved ones pass away,,,we all have a ticket to go,,just different departures.Titoknk,,you will be sorely missed.I am so glad that you don't hurt anymore.Can we put him in a "Lost Members Section"?

[BigDaddyc9]

Oh No-Tito,may he rest in peace.Thoughts and prayers go out to Titos family.Thank you for letting us know of his passing.He will suffer no longer BigD

[Green Medicine]

My condolences to the family.

I'm crying right now. I know Mayaguez has lost a good son and father.....

GM

[slater]

oh no, i had a feeling he had died as we were talking alot and then he just dropped off with the pm's. tito buddy, i hope you are in a better place now. i will always remember you bro. and my condolances to the family, if you read this please contact me thru a pm. peace/love/slater

[coco_artist]

http://www.treatingyourself.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=6595


Thank you for informing us.

I already miss him and I think I will likely spend the day crying.

Tito was a source of huge comfort to me! Even as he was dying himself he often took the time to reassure me that things would be ok. I am going to miss him greatly.

[Chief]

i can't even imagine what you're going through. I cared for a terminal cancer patient in my home a few years ago until his death and while we all knew the end was near, he didn't have any of the symptoms you are describing. So I can't really even think of what you're putting up with.
Please don't commit suicide. If death is inevitable, don't make your family find you that way by your own hand. While I do understand your frustration and chronic pain, I've often thought about it myself, living on a diet of oxycontin and fentanyl, please don't make that the last memory of you.
I hope things can somehow get turned around for you and your family, even if you've given up hope, and that somehow, someway, you can live out the rest of your time here in peace.

Praying and hoping....
Chief

[buddyh]

Tito,
Be free and fly.
I bet it's good to be out of that body.
I'm sorry for your family, but happy for you.
Take a nice, long, relaxing trip and then decide if you even want to come back.
Maybe you could setup shop on a different planet that has a different way of running things.
Anyway, flow baby, FLOW!!!

[chief tatanka]

TY MEMBERS could we at 4:20 today have a moment of silence for our brother TITO who has passed on ....:(

[sedative ocean]

My heart and prayers go out to your family.
My condolances to your family.
Wishing you gentle healing.

peace

[nancerella]

My condolances to you and your family.
Heartfelt prayers go out to you.

[GreenFlame]

Please say a prayer for him and his family at that time as well,,,,,Thanks Chief.

[green girl]

Gonna miss you Tito. RIP. No more suffering.

[coco_artist]

I think it would also be appropriate for anyone who chooses to meet in chat at 4:20 and light one in his honor and wish him Godspeed. He was constant source of comfort for me and Jerry and I am mourning his loss greatly. The tears don't seem to want to stop. I think it is the injustice of it all. This poor guy wanted meds so badly so many times and had no way to get them. He suffered because of prohibition. He deserved so much better. Until there is a volcano on every bedside in the hospital, compassion will be absent. :(

[coco_artist]

As the tears run down my face, I wave goodbye to you my friend
I know you are gone from this world but I will reunite with you in the next
We held each other’s hearts but a brief while
You entered into my soul and we knew we were not alone
Go now, to the place you will rest and know nothing but love
As the love you shared so graciously will come back to you a hundredfold.

[Duck]

Wherever it is we go, where you've gone Tito, may peace carry with you, as your sufferings are left behind on this ground.

I can only bow to the strength and virtue of your works in life, and wave with reverant joy, to your spirit set free.

Rest easy
dd

[Harry m]

I am very sorry to hear this,see you on the other side bro!!:(:(:(

[Stray]

Another of our world wide family gone...
My most sincere condolences to all...

Stray...

[anonymous]

Tito you are trully missed by your family here at TY my deepest condolances to your family you will greatley missed have a nice new pain free life my friend
Roger

[michael]

Im at a loss for words right now..

[Pothead Pete]

you are in my prayers. You are in a better place now.

[Lucy]

I feel sadness, but hopeful as well....I am sure tito is watching down on ty and smoking a big one....with no pain to be found.

[leroy]

God Bless you Tito.............

[Bulls&Bowls]

Condolences to Tito's family. Too often a piece of our heart is opened up to the end reality of life. All too often it is our most precious part. I was not a personal friend but a brother in the spiritual sense. Through my own scars I can feel your wound. I am sorry.

[ScurvyPirateGuy]

So sad are the wings of destiny. Tito, I didn't know you but

May the sun shine down warmly upon you. May the roads rise gently to greet your feet, and may the four winds blow you safely home.

Peace brother

[hollowpoint]

tito, you're flying with the eagles now my friend

[Spawnof84]

RIP Albert

[Binky]

Our prayers go out, god bless.

[reddiet]

My condolances to you and your family. Tito will be missed by us all but at least he's not in pain anymore. He's in the most fantastic garden imaginable now, where pain and fear do not exist. To Tito's family I can only say that I hope you find strength and comfort at this sad time. Tito was a perfect example of what TY really was created for, and why it still is needed. You will be missed, my friend. I haven't cried for years yet as i'm typing this I have to keep wiping my eyes to see what i'm doing. These are tears of both sorrow for the loss of a family/friend and tears of joy because he has finally gone home to where only love and no pain exist.

RED

[Buffalo Bill]

May Albert rest in Peace....And may the Peace be with Karla, always..... I am so very saddened......However, tito is in a much better place without all of the pain that he has benn forced to endure. He will be sorely missed.......

[coco_artist]

Tito and Friends............sometime in Sept. I believe....................

[Happyplant]

Rest in piece Tito. May your spirit live on.

[Marco Renda]

RIP my friend

Condolences to his family

Marco

[OOpsie]

Albert you will be trulely be missed.. Karla I am sending you a big hug...please do not stay away long as you are and always will be a part of the TY family. I to know the sorrow you are feeling. But Albert has no more suffering..
Albert see you on the otherside. RIP
OOpsie

[fat]

that's so damn hard. nothing i could say would help, but i hope your suffering stops soon. hang in there for your family.

[saeon]

TY MEMBERS could we at 4:20 today have a moment of silence for our brother TITO who has passed on ....:(

It's after 6:20 here but the whole house is silent and will stay that way as long as it's up to me. Tito was a good human being and a good friend to so many. He and I almost never talked directly but I have read nearly every single one of his posts here since I first joined over a year ago.

Today has been a day of great hope for me....I'm finally back on opiates after 18 months off because I simply couldn't find a local doc who understood the first thing about my condition. I will continue to use MJ when I need it, but now it's not the only weapon in my pain-control arsenal anymore.

Tito is somewhere, now, that we cannot comprehend....but I suspect that today is a day of hope for him, too. As should it be for us all. We mourn him, but in doing so we thank the Universe for bringing him and us together in the first place. For no person truly dies if they are remembered, and loved.

[Unicorn]

God Speed My Friend...Your absence will be missed by many...but your spirit will live long in all you knew....Prayers and Healing Hugs to your family...You will be missed by never forgotten...Hugs Uni :(

[claude_zachary420]

I'm very sad :(

[athena]

If there were tears in heaven
would they fall like rain
From our friend tito’s eyes
because there’s no more pain?

His last six months were tough
He was in extreme agony
And in my heart I just know
That today he rests in peace

He used to come and chat with me
And tell me of his sorrows
Knowing that someday soon
He would not have ”tomorrow“

His “medicine” was not legal
Pain relief he could not get
From all the pills they “pushed” on him
To whom did he owe this “debt”?

I told him of the paradise
That has an open door
It welcomes all no matter what
And he would hurt no more

I hope everything I told him
Was absolutely right
I’ll miss you ever so terribly
PEACE MY FRIEND TITO, i'll see you in paradise.

[reddiet]

That was beautiful Athena. I'm sure Tito is smiling at you right now.

RED

[gen131]

nice poem to tito, athena.

[GreenGirl]

Athena that was a beautiful poem. Thank you so much for sharing it with everyone.

[Pain Pal]

Hopeing to see you again in all your glory and happyness in our Home above Tito And I am glad to have heard from you,even if it was only here at TY.God bless and be with your famely to comfort them.
Pain Pal

[Leo]

Rest In Peace My Friend....

Leo

[Biggs]

Rest in peace.

Biggs

[Elysium]

I only just came across this and wasn't around at the time, I hope nobody minds that I've resurrected it? But it just struck me what a great guy tito sounded like and what an inspiration in the way he dealt with his own mortality. I really hope he and his family know peace.

[Tonya]

I miss tito......

[Elysium]

I'm sorry if I've upset anyone.

[Lucy]

Being reminded of someone who has passed...can bring sorrow, but I think it is good to remember these people...it keeps them alive in our hearts and minds.

[Tonya]

U didnt upst me<smile> I just wanted to say I miss Tito.. I smile when I think of him.... ...

I know how he was suffering which made him desperate and short with people at times but he was ALWAYS kind to me ... Titos death should remind everyone that Tito woulda had a shot at living and or At least dieing with dignity. if he could have grown his own medicine or had a caregiver..
the last month of his life he was so desperate to get meds .. NOONE should have to beg for a plant that could just help and does....

Noone should have to go to jail for helping someone obtain that medicine thats suffering.......

Tito u r not forgotten and I sure do miss you!

[coco_artist]

I miss Tito too.

Until Prohibition ends, many will suffer

[FUNK4:20]

Tito---may you be at peace with self and life. Have love in your heart when and if you do go. God bless you:)

[Buffalo Bill]

Ahhhh, Alfredo! I remember him well. One of our TY brothers did all that he could to help ease his suffering and allow him to die in dignity, and in the end allowed me to lend a helping hand, as well. I thank that TY brother from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to participate. I often think of Tito's wife, Karla and his child. May the Peace of the Lord be with them, alwayzzzzz....May Alfredo rest in Peace....

[Tonya]

Bill me too.. Thank you to all who help as they could because it did help Alfred
My little fuss was about thes crazy laws... I know TY and mmj action did what we could to ease his pain......

[pflover]

i miss him as well! i only wish i had been more able to help him. the ways in which i tried were not that successful. But it is being involved with people like him that gives me the strength to keep helping others during rougher scarier times.

[GreenFlame]

Thats the only reason I was here in the first place was to learn and help those near loved ones that were suffering.I have had 5 people near to me die in the last 2 years.3 or those were drawn out and had suffering involved.My renter is now Terminal,she just started pain patches,you know some day it's going to be our turn.I hope someone is there for me.

[BravoC.D.]

it hurt reading this ...

[TheMadConductor]

It touched me deeply too Bravo, but don't let it hurt, he is at peace now, we can only go on and make sure no more will suffer, ... in his memory. Though I was not around at the time of his passing, this truely touched me to read this. I just wanted to say, I love all of you and hope the very best for all of you and your loved ones. Its so hard to express how I feel right now, but... <3

[Pain Pal]

Never say Your giving up.You can experiance a merical at any time that God chooses.I.ll keep you on my prayer list every day.Put it all in the hands of God and He will have the decision.I am in terrable pain a lot but I know that your probably in a lot more pain then I ever had.I pray that our Lord gives you your health back.You are not dieing from cancer your liveing with it and we should all be praying for your recovery.I hate cancer because it takes so many good folks away from us.
Will be asking God to take your pain away and to kill that cancer that you are living with.
Peace Love & Prayers
John

[Capt. Zigzag]

Lord, please take this man into your arms and comfort his soul. Let him feel the compassion in your gentle hands. And please let his family find ways to deal with their loss.

In Jesus name, I pray

Amen.

[BUSH HATER!]

Stunned by this thread. I never got to meet Tito, and this is the first time I have seen this thread (thx again Lorax). I almost lost it when I saw his picture. How old was he when he died? He looks young in the picture.

I feel so sad that people like Tito die without open access to this incredible plant and all it's wonders. I also will read this thread often now as a reminder of how important our medicine is.

d