How do you cope with stress.

[skunk-mad]

Hi all as some of you may know my family circumstances have changed & im was just wondering if the ty family has any helpful advice to help me cope better.

here,s a little about how my circumstances have changed & how my life has been turned upside down.

my wife has 2 children that were living with there father until late last year when he committed suicide by hanging himself & my wifes son (13) found him when he walked straight into his dad hanging.after this the children went to live with there aunty & uncle but now have come to live with us full time.

me & my wife dont have any children of our own so im very excited about having them around but its such a big change from having no children to having 2 children that i had only met for 2 hours previously before they came to live with us.even though i dont have any children of my own i will still treat them as if they were my flesh & blood but i just dont know where to start.my wife is very good with them but i dont have a clue & im getting stressed out by it & its making me bad.

i want to do my best by the children & im trying my best but i dont seam to be getting anywhere.i dont think that they will ever accept me as a father figure so what do i do should i just try to be there friend or will that not work as i need to be the person that set,s the rules.

any help from all you mums & dads out there will be much appreciated.the children have had so much upset in there lifes so far & i want to do as much as i can to make there lives better.

thanx in advance any help would be much appreciated.

a stressed out skunk-mad.

[420grower]

well my friend I have 5 kids 3 boys,2 girlz,wife has 2 girls,I have found with kids all they need is to know they are loved and you are consistant in you actions,treat them as if they were yours,cuz they are,there Dad gave up on them,they will remember that,so you just love the hell out of those kids,they have been thru alot already,the son probably will need some professional help,so thats my 2 cents Skunk,hope it helps,peace

[skunk-mad]

well my friend I have 5 kids 3 boys,2 girlz,wife has 2 girls,I have found with kids all they need is to know they are loved and you are consistant in you actions,treat them as if they were yours,cuz they are,there Dad gave up on them,they will remember that,so you just love the hell out of those kids,they have been thru alot already,the son probably will need some professional help,so thats my 2 cents Skunk,hope it helps,peace

thanx for the helping advice mate your right my son will need some counselling but his aunt & uncle took him & his sister for 1 session but the therapist said there is nothing they can do that we cant but watch out for them in adulthood as they may try to emulate what there dad did.your right that there dad let them down some people say you need "big balls" to hang yourself i say its the cowards way out because who,s left to clean up the mess the people that are left behind.i personally think its an easy way out of your responsibilities?.i know this time last year i was not even thinking about having children & now i have 2.even though i dont have any children & my wifes children are not mine by blood they will still be brought up as if they were my natural children.they are just 12 & 13 one boy one girl & they have been through so much all i can do is give them all the love i can & be there a a father for them.im not a quitter its just that ive been dropped in the deep end but im used to life,s ups & downs now its time to give these children a great life.now they are living with us i can arrange some counselling for them to see if there is anything that can be done.it must be awful to find someone dead but to walk into your own father hanging i cant even imagine what that would be like(head f*#ked)for sure.

skunk-mad.

[sevens]

well skunk mad .myself i went true the same deal .i have no children myself ..all this change when i did meet my wife she does have 2 kids ..
father of those kids die ruffly 10 yrs ago .when i first met my wife she told me she had 2 kids 11 and 13 yrs old ...or 9 and 11 not sure ...was over 25 yrs ago ....
father of the kids did left the family to get a younger woman with no kid...
then my wife and me did get those two kids i did raise them the very best as i could ...we had a small problem adjusting at the beginning ..
the oldest ( a girl ) did leave home after she finish high school..as the other boy we had to kick him out for his own good when he was 32 yrs old .....
does not end there ..lol.....
now i am raising 2 grand kids we have them here for the last 2 yrs a boy 11 and a girl 13 ...my first advice to you would be to get legal custody ...yep this mean going to court ..was not easy for my wife ..this process took 6 months and just finish 2 weeks ago ...
also try to get friend first see if you can enroll them in some activity like karate or any sport ...if you can get those kids busy it is half the battle win ....after a few months kids do have new activity then you had time to learn a bit more about them ...encourage them and try to be there if they need any help
today the oldest of the grand kids went to ottawa with the air cadets for 2 weeks ..this one is a handfull sometime ....lol a 2 weeks break for me ....
also sm you have to be strict with them your wife will have to learn to put her foot down also ...see you cannot be the one who does hand down punisment when they do something wrong ..well you can but not fair to you as kids will know that you are the bad one and is just there to punish them ...advice on that is if they do something wrong ..( believe me they will )....then just tell them ...we just had a discussion wife and me about what you kids did and we do feel it is bad and desserve a punisment ( now time to remove some privileges lol)
i am sure you will do just fine .. be yourself do not force your ideas on them ,,let them get comfortable at your home and get ready for the ride of your life .......good luck ...

peace ..7...

[SteveG]

... you seem like a very decent person (on here), so just continue with that ... I agree with sevens about the discipline part and NOT being the bad guy ... I was one of those kids growing up (my dad left when I was 8 and had to live a few of my Mom's boyfriend's) ... my Mom doesn't like confrontation and always let "the man" do the disciplining ... the best were the ones who were were fair and consistent (although they have passed away, I consider them my "step-fathers) ...

... having a stable home environment was all I ever wanted.

[Richi420]

I think your do just fine,you are worried which means you really truely care which is great. I have a 12 (turning 13 Dec.29th) step-daughter and 2 others that are mine and my wifes,1 girl 4 (turning 5 Dec.26th) and 1 boy 1 (turning 2 Oct. 19th) and a boy due Nov.8th. Raising kids are not easy at all,it's the hardest but most rewarding experience in life,imo.
All I can say is to make it clear to the kids that you are not trying to replace their father and at least for a bit your wife should be the one to disapline(sp?) them as they will just take it as you trying to replace their father and hate you for it. Just be there for them and let them talk to you about anything, like you would with any friend and don't lie to them. Just be there for them. Take care and good luck,enjoy them.

[skunk-mad]

thank you all for your positive input.when they 1st come me & my wife set some ground rules like what time they should be in for & general things like that.ive enroloed my son into the ta,s which he seams very interested in i also will be taking him the gym with me.my daughter is do art classes at a loal after school club & will be starting dance lessons soonso they have plenty to keep them occupied.like its been said i cant replace there father & im not going to try & do that i have said to the kids that ill never put there dad down because i did not know him.

thanx all for your support.

skunk-mad.

[Snafu]

I commend you my friend for being so willing to step up!

the only advice i can give is be firm, consistent and fair! sometimes the only thing you can do until the kids decide to start letting you into their life by their choosing is to be there for them unconditionally, those kids have been through a lot it sounds in the last few years and it might take several more years to get them back to something them resembles normal!

these kids are going to need a pair of people that will do what is in their best and help them find their way to being at peace with the crap bag that was handed to them!

the road isnt going to be easy, but you have been on some very rough roads already so i am sure you and the misses will fair well!

as far as advice i wish i had more to offer, i have two kids of my own but the hard facts are i still dont know everything or even a small portion of what i should know it seems most days! I guess all i am trying to say is be there for them and become that constant that they havent had since the horrible thing happened sometime ago! become that safe place for them and always let them know through your actions that you will always be there for them in the good and in the bad!

have you guys considered seeing a family counselor? that might help the entire family deal with the merger and learn to push forward.

you guys are in my thoughts and prayers!

-Snafu

[skunk-mad]

I commend you my friend for being so willing to step up!

the only advice i can give is be firm, consistent and fair! sometimes the only thing you can do until the kids decide to start letting you into their life by their choosing is to be there for them unconditionally, those kids have been through a lot it sounds in the last few years and it might take several more years to get them back to something them resembles normal!

these kids are going to need a pair of people that will do what is in their best and help them find their way to being at peace with the crap bag that was handed to them!

the road isnt going to be easy, but you have been on some very rough roads already so i am sure you and the misses will fair well!

as far as advice i wish i had more to offer, i have two kids of my own but the hard facts are i still dont know everything or even a small portion of what i should know it seems most days! I guess all i am trying to say is be there for them and become that constant that they havent had since the horrible thing happened sometime ago! become that safe place for them and always let them know through your actions that you will always be there for them in the good and in the bad!

have you guys considered seeing a family counselor? that might help the entire family deal with the merger and learn to push forward.

you guys are in my thoughts and prayers!

-Snafu

thanx for your support & i never thought of a family councilor but thats a great idea.ill look into that tomorrow.

thanx again snafu for being there its going to be a rough road but i know my ty family is always there for me.

thanx all.

skunk-mad.

[oddjobs]

Years ago My nephew was sleeping on the couch with his mother when her husband and his daddy took an axe and started beating my aunt in the face cutting her all to pieces, my nephew was only 10 years old BUT SCARED FOR LIFE The first blow cut both her eyes in two he hit her 8 times in the face and 11 times in the back of her head .PTSs . You should try to get the boy some professional help and try to get the whole family into the circle . Your son is going to have some very bad days so expect them .He will love you if you are just yourself . Dont try to replace his dad He probably dont want that .Just be there when he needs you always .oj

[rxb]

"How do you cope with stress?"

Sex and cannabis. I highly recommend it
--r

[oddjobs]

"How do you cope with stress?"

Sex and cannabis. I highly recommend it
--r

That works too oj

[gelu65]

There comes a time just cannabis will help. Like OJ said and let the kids have their own ideas and input. Ive had 2 sets of step children the hardest part is the problems when they have step brothers and sisters LOL Jerry

[dld0122]

Sheesh....I wanna hug the 13 year old.
Some times I wish we could bring back the lobotomie.

Respect is a good thing when it comes to parenting.....and it goes both ways in a relationship.

Peace.

[SIBANNAC]

Don't be the stepdad who tries to replace thier father cause it will never work and they wont take it either.

Don't lie to them either, kids are alot smarter then we adults think they are, they see everything. Be fair to them and show them security, make sure they know you will never leave them because they will feel abandoned by their birth father and could blame themselves. Make sure they know it's not there fault for him taking his own life. And try to make your household as stable as possible, i know thats hard to do but these kids im sure are dealin with some heavy shit and dont need added b.s.

Help them with their homework, take them to their sports or whatever they are into. Maybe discuss with their mother about gettin them into something you enjoyed when you were a kid(ie baseball, music etc) cause it could be a good bonding experience.

And show them as much love as you can give, they obviously need it after their father action's.


And don't be afraid to take a little me time for yourself, you can't be superdad 24/7 and if you try to you will burnout and that's not what those kids need. Maybe try meditation when I'm stressed i meditate, even if it's only a few minutes it helps me clear my mind.

[skunk-mad]

well thanx you all im overwhelmed with the amount of support the ty community has offered me.like sibannac said i need to start doing more things with the kids so im trying to get my son interested in rc nitro cars,shooting & fishing.these are all things i love to do so i hope he will enjoy some of them.he should enjoy ripping around a track with a nitro rc car & i dont shoot birds or wildlife only target & such so i think im learning him a bit of responsibility by letting him fire a pellet gun at a few targets but i did make it clear that "if he messes about with it he wont use it again".my son has taken his dad,s suicide a lot worse than his sister she seems to have taken it in her stride but that could all change.

im not a millionaire so dont have lots of money to offer them but i have plenty of love & affection to give them.me & my wife have a very strong relationship so we will make it through these trying times together.

pot & a good woman does help so im glad i have both atm.

thank you again my ty family for your constant support.

skunk-mad.

[Richi420]

Through my experiences, Love and affection means more then any amount of money and can go further. I too, love fishing and shooting and I do both with my kids, I do hunt but I teach my kids to respect everything and you dont shoot anything that your not going to eat and to respect everything. With my step-daughter, I took her fishing all the time and I think it's what started our awesome relationship together. We all joke that her dna has some how switched and she has my dna now,cause she's exactly like me,she acts and thinks just like me.
And ike I said before, since you are so worried about them,it shows that you truley care and I think you'll do fine. But it would be nice if kids came with manuals,lol. Take care brother.Peace to you and your family

[skunk-mad]

Through my experiences, Love and affection means more then any amount of money and can go further. I too, love fishing and shooting and I do both with my kids, I do hunt but I teach my kids to respect everything and you dont shoot anything that your not going to eat and to respect everything. With my step-daughter, I took her fishing all the time and I think it's what started our awesome relationship together. We all joke that her dna has some how switched and she has my dna now,cause she's exactly like me,she acts and thinks just like me.
And ike I said before, since you are so worried about them,it shows that you truley care and I think you'll do fine. But it would be nice if kids came with manuals,lol. Take care brother.Peace to you and your family

thank you rich it looks like me & you have a lot in common.im definitely going to have a few days on the lake with my lad as he has only ever caught small roach & perch i cant wait to take him to my local lake & he hits a 10-15lb carp it gives you a great buzz.wish i lived your side then we could hook up for a fishing trip.

thanx rich

skunk-mad.

[Richi420]

If your ever in my part we'll have to go on a fishing trip and maybe do some skeet shooting, Carp fishing is awesome,can't/don't want to eat them here but they do put on a awesome fight,My biggest is just over 36lbs.Where we live now (Northern Ontario) we dont have much carp around but I do enjoy a nice walleye/pickrel or the fight of of a nice Northern Pike/Jackfish. Too many kids are stuck indoors and dont get to enjoy the outdoors,My kids would rather be outside doing whatever then to be in the house playing video games, we do have a Xbox and a WII but they only play them every few months or so