A man walks into a bar followed by a rabbi, a clown, and a penguin wearing a tu-tu. They order a drink ... the bartender looks at them and says "What, is this some kind of a joke?"
Words to live by: I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy
A man gets sent to hell. When he arrives there he is met by a well dressed doorman who guides him towards a magnificent ballroom filled with vintage wines and brandys and gorgeous women. He walks over to a table with a man sitting at it ... the guy is sobbing. The new arrival asks him why he is sobbing, this is as close to heaven as he could ever imagine -- not the endless enduring torture he expected. The crying man looks up at him and crys out in between sobs "Oh this is hell allright. All the bottles got holes in them, and the women don't". The new arrival sat down and started crying too.
A man is hiking up a mountain in Scotland following a beautiful, young, female hiking guide. They stop on the side of the mountain to take in the beautiful scenery when a sudden gust of air blows the ladies skirt up over her head. "Airy, ain't it" the man says. "well, what you espect it to be, bald" she replies.
The town flooded, and most of the towspeople have fled to the safety of a nearby hilltop. The sit there disconsolantly peering down at the lake where their homes used to be. Suddenly the people notice a straw hat ... it moves about 50' one direction, then does a 180 turn and heads back the other ... often moving against the curent. After watching this strange behavior for about 10 minutes someone finally asks, "I wonder what makes that durned hat act so strange", whereupon a soggy young hillbilly replies "Well, I ain't quite sher, but grandpappy was saying come hell or high water he was going to mow the lawn today!"